Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Time doesn't heal all wounds

i know i said i would blog again today and it would be GREAT!  However, its my dad's birthday today and I'm not feeling 100%.  My dad died when I was a freshman in high school and i still think about/miss him like crazy.  Everyone says it gets easier and you learn to live without people, well, I still feel like it just happened yesterday.  I think the hardest part is the fact that i never got to say goodbye.  One minute he was alive and we were on the phone and literally three days later, i found out he died.  My dad was an amazing man.  He was kind, compassionate, thoughtful, funny, handy....he was also a die hard alcoholic {literally}.  I remember countless times my dad embarrassing me by showing up piss drunk. He used to call me scalawag & stinker which was funny in the privacy of our own home BUT in public...ALL BAD!  I was supposed to go visit my dad the weekend he died.  I lied to him and said i had a school project i had to work on with friends.  Truth is, i was bored a lot at my dad's and i wanted to stay with my friends and my mom.  I have felt guilt about this the day ever since.  I can remember that day so vividly.  I remember trying to sleep in because i was exhausted and the phone kept ringing.  I was beyond annoyed by the time i got up and walked downstairs pulling my sweatshirt over my head.  I turned the corner to find my mom sitting on the stool and one look at her was all it took...i knew something had happened.  I gulped.  She had me go upstairs and sit on my bed and she told me that my dad had died.  I fell off the bed and just started sobbing.  i felt like my whole world had crashed down. We were days away from Thanksgiving. My mom made me take a shower to relax and i remember just sitting on the tiles thinking, "now what?"  We went to the movies that night so i could get my mind off everything { anything could do that} I can't recall the movie we saw I just remember it had Benicio Del Torro in it and it was about drugs and it was extremely awkward to watch with my mom & step dad.

Daddy i love and miss you with my whole heart.  I think of you everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that i don't wish i could tell you something.  I wish you were still here to be a part of my monster's life, to meet my husband, who i know you would have approved of, and to just be my dad.  i miss your hugs, kisses, your laugh, and your silliness, your cooking....EVERYTHING!  Happy birthday dad.  You were taken far too soon from your daughter and this world.  You are dearly missed. RIP dad.

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