Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My harsh reality

This is not easy to write but I need to get this off my chest as its weighing on my heart and i need an outlet.  This past weekend and last night really wore me down and it's all too much for me.  I am an almost 30 year old mother to a 4 year old and wife with a full time job who owns my own home and my mom has Alzheimer's.  My grandma (my mom's mom) had this as well.  My mom is in total denial and thinks she is fine and is fooling everyone.  She refuses to go see a doctor and I just feel so alone and overwhelmed.  Her good days are great but like last night, her bad days are bad.   
This past weekend I took my mom to my hair dresser as she was in dire need of a haircut and color after taking my son to his very first T-ball practice.  I thought a mother/daughter day would be something great and something she would look forward to but I was wrong.  My mom did not want to get out the car nor go in.  She acted like I was taking her to the vet and putting her down; it broke my heart.  I had to have my hair colored first to show her no one was going to hurt her {im not complaining about that fact bc my hair needed some love}.  Once she was inside, it was ok but I had my doubts in the parking lot.     
Last night my mom was upset with my step dad for no apparent reason.  He bought a new microwave {thanks god bc they've had the same one since I was in the 3rd joke!} so he had a friend come help  install the new one.  This upset my mom deeply; she knew the friend and has for years.  After the set up was all said and done, my step dad and his friend went out on the porch and were talking and my mom did not like this which upset her further resulting in her locking herself in her bedroom for HOURS.  I ended up getting a call from my aunt explaining all this to me and letting me know my mom was on the porch..outside...crying and I needed to call her.  I called her and after 30 minutes, calmed her down but she could not tell me why she was so visibly upset.  All she could tell me was how alone she felt and that everyone was trying to send her away {which couldn't be further from the truth}.  I pushed end and broke down into tears. 
After this past weekend and last night, I decided I needed to do more research and found these two books that I downloaded to my kindle and am hoping for some insight/advice.  Books and images were found on amazon. 

This whole situation is too much for me some days; I feel so hopeless.  I miss my mom; i miss our conversations, her great advice...all of it..i miss it all.  She's my only parent and watching her fall apart kills me.  Knowing how she must feel inside kills me.  Alzheimer's is a bitch!

Sorry I just really needed to get that off my chest.

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